


Chili With Andorian Ale

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-02
Updated: 2006-04-02
Packaged: 2018-08-16 00:09:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8079277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Enterprise visits a new planet and doesn't get the answer they expected. (04/22/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Beta: sweet_subbie (well, she looked it over, but I had to re-type it into Yahoo mail, so don't blame her for mistakes)  


* * *

Captain Jonathan Archer of the Earth Starship Enterprise stood proudly on the bridge of his ship and had his communications officer hail the inhabitants of the luminous blue-green planet below them.

"Greetings! I am Captain Jonathan Archer of the Earth Starship Enterprise. We come in peaceful exploration in the hopes of making new friends and new allies and learning a really good recipe for chili with Andorian Ale. If you've got any good animal platitudes, we're anxious to learn them, too."

There was a pause as Archer waited for the denizens of the planet to answer. When no one did, he furrowed his brow as he glanced at his communications officer and then his science officer before turning back to the screen. "We have many recipes and other things to offer in trade. We would like to arrange a visit."

There was a click, and then a flat, slightly mechanical voice came over the speakers. "Thank you for calling the planetary government of Ruliantyrianac IX. No one is available to take your call at the moment, but if you will leave your name, ship name, and comm frequency after the tone, a minor and underpaid civil service government employee will call you back when he is done playing *Quake of Doom IV: Escape from the Post-Apocalyptic Mary Kay Saleswomen* on the government's computers. Thank you, and have a pleasant time rotation."

Before Archer could open his mouth to say anything, there was another click and a breathless, "Yes, 'ello? 'Ello?"

"Greetings, I'm Captain Archer of the Earth Starship—" The voice on the other end cut him off.

"We're full. Come back in 18 rotations."

Archer's eyebrow rose. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see his chief engineer and his armory officer struggling not to laugh. "What do you mean, you're full?" he demanded.

"Just that you..." there was a pause as the universal translator attempted to find an appropriate English word. Finally it came up with, "twit. We're full. We're hosting the All-Vulcan Quilting, Sewing, Crocheting, Knitting, and Drag Racing Bee. We can't fit another frelling person on this planet. Come back in 18 rotations of our planet around our sun and we might have room for you."

"Sir," Malcolm Reed said quietly, "their planet takes approximately 14.3 Earth years to perform one rotation around their sun. 18 rotations will equal 257.4 Earth years."

"We'll be dead by then!" Archer exclaimed.

"Not my problem, Captain Archer of the Earth Starship," the voice from the planet said with grating cheer. "Goodbye, and please visit again."

A third click. "They've disconnected, sir," Hoshi Sato announced.

"Damn it," Archer swore as he flopped into his command chair. "Now we'll never get that recipe for Chili with Andorian Ale."

For some reason, the rest of the bridge crew looked greatly relieved.

Down on the planet, the immigration official hung up the comm line and turned up the volume on his monitor. His Mary Kay Saleswoman of Doom was almost done annihilating his Vulcan-looking opponent with Passion Pink Lipstick Grenades and Plum Raisin Lip Liner Lasers. He didn't need to be disturbed by such trivial things as new allies.

Besides, every sentient being knew you made chili with real Andorians, not their ale.


End file.
